This letter started Christmas day and I've added to it the non-angry moments until I felt it was finished. I just finished it @2am, 6/8/12.
Tonight I feel ok.
Tonight I feel ok.
The week you left, I looked thru my sketch books and discovered two things: 1st, I'm not a terrible artist. Not great, but not terrible. The drawings I wanted to see had been torn out and I don't remember doing that. I have photos, some you might want, others discarded as used tissue...was I used like that tissue? Some rhetorical questions need resolution. Right now I'd dare to seek them because I feel no pain..right now. So I'm taking time to remember our time, before I begin to forget. DO you remember that conversation we were having about amygdala reconditioning? Well...I figured it out!! :) And am now proving my process, as I write this. So as I type, it's getting reformatted and soon I will remember the feeling no more. How I wish we could relive that conversation, knowing what I know now.
There is a movie on right now that you would..we would Love. I spend time doing all the things I should have been doing more of around you. All the 'magic' you once asked me if you had damaged along the way. Wondering with tears and great emotion where the man you fell in Love with had gone. And if it was you that killed him. I remember what I said (memory deleted). Where was I? Oh, yes. For now, I read in your reading spot so it gets used. The living room looks and feels different. That week you left it stayed in comfortable disarray. You would've called it the living space of a genius, of which I know I'm not :). The beautiful men read on weekend mornings on the patio with me. Jake is beginning to sound out simple words, its terribly cute. They get better and more imaginative with every week that passes so much that they are beginning to form their own 'Farafel' stories, SO interesting. Just last week they asked when you and their sister were coming back..sadly I had to tell them a simple and non abrasive form of the truth. (My memory degrades. It's personal and I don't want to let go, due to this present lack of pain. This anesthetic due to someone unexpected making me believe again). My music, OH my music, it feeds me so. The subtle whining of Colin Meloy driving that engine. My heart telling my head mischief and stoicism. Singing the helpless blues and listening to Cath while thinking about you. Shear Water is a new favorite. So delicately horrific.
The Knight of this realm said something terribly sad today. " Dadda? Do you think she got angry because I wouldn't call her mom until you got married? Do you think she would come back if I told her I will call her mom already?" I didn't even know where to begin, so I hugged him and kissed him twice, once for you. I told him you love him and would always.
I had someone over. Watched her sleep briefly to see how it made me feel. I touched her face with the same heat I did you...do you remember? It was to invoke emotion, connection. Her sleeping smiley face and morning sleepy voice were nowhere near as sweet as the taste of your fingers on my lips, pictures of me sleeping sitting up, your tearful prayers over my soul years ago (do you remember?). I never told you, you woke me up with your whispers and I heard you...I should've made you completely mine then.
I just took a trip downstairs and grabbed your set of car keys from that skinny left side drawer where we kept the knives. I held them for a while and breathed on them, pretending the heat was from your hands holding them. I needed my colored pencils from the car...I never finished the Spider man (memory deleted).
I often just talk to you. Act normally how I would if you were around and I wanted you to notice I was being weird so we could pass the empty moments laughing (memories deleted).
Oh, yes, poke salad :). I haven't been back since the time we danced in the neighbors space, our 'first dance'. At least we had one :). (I'm keeping that memory).
-You need to know, I'm doing this because I need to. And you didn't believe me when I said, " I need you."
You ran to him so quickly, so desperately. Like you did to me that day we danced and I couldn't hear you. I'm so sorry but my machine shop ears I made you run so far :/. I carried you ALL the way back to your car, do you remember? It was almost as if you had forgotten that moment. Your memories being blanked as simple as he writes love notes in binary, just wonderful (for reals..really, really). And I'm certain its grown from there. You should know I never purposed to break you two up. He came to me for strength in getting away from you and to confirm the exacting experience between us, your two greatest loves. I don't believe I was a love of yours at all, anymore. I simply lost, the whole time :/. You entwined into him the same as you did Matt before I knew you were finished with me. Different circumstances, same situation. I'm glad though, that I was able to help until your mother came back into your life again :), I mean that. I love helping people, you know.
Hey, my movie library has grown :). New titles from Focus Pictures and other independents. All ones you'd enjoy, I do enjoy. I often pretend you're in your parking space and we're giggling, crying, seriously contemplating the meaning of them. The color, themes, all that. (This feels kinda nice, please miss me 'deletor'). I listen to them right now and often while reading the meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Silence is the only thing that makes me afraid now. Making me retreat under that blanket cave with you, do you remember (heehee)? So implicit (memory deleted).
Last night, I spent the night high with no substance involved. It happens more often than ever. Seems I've uncovered the secret, again. (I know right now what you're thinking. You've never 'heard' me like this. You told me, " Be direct! Don't be poetic all the time!" Seems something else has been uncovered). I hadn't you to call to spit out the thoughts to be captured by someone whom had the 'right mitt'. The things my pen couldn't keep up with..my handwriting was atrocious (remember? :)). The previous 3 days I spent weeping alone, realizing something that cannot be helped. I left the ice cream out for those days, Rocky Road (a new one).
The bowls of soup we used to give have grown into homeless relocation and rehabilitation, soon to be sanctioned by a mega church operated by my friend Tim Tayshum's mother and father in LA, and two men in San Diego. Whom have claimed to be, "...re-inspired by your passion, young man." Brian Maienshein and Philip Landis, taking a chance on a simple 'do-gooder'. I'm so thankful. Sadly..Robert (Davey, our 1st real contact) was taken by cancer. To my great dismay, before I was able to bring him home with me to die inside and around family. I mourned him for a month. I miss him so much.
As I'm typing this, I realize its long and might be paining you somewhat. I'll do my best to conclude, like a preacher, haha! All this, 'paragraphing' in chronicles, began the week you left. I changed, no...I was 'undug' " from what was covering the better part of me". The only catalyst being you. No doubt you are hearing my annoyingly passive voice reading this to you ;). The point always was the look in my eye..I Loved you. You are the only girl I've ever truly Loved, no lie. And I am the man you fell in Love with, and the man you so desired me to be. Reading and meeting you needs by nature. And I'd say this (for my consideration of you, I'll say you might want to skip ahead), when we married I would've not gone a day without gently touching your face in the mornings. As I felt you, I'd read and quote brief captions of Hemmingway. Aldous' " Death of Youth.." (particularly 'In the Little Room') and the landscape he describes in 'Mountains', as we've BEEN there a couple times now. Sharing Cherry Wheat and naked hikes through sharp rock. That naked hike was...fun ( ;), a lip biting moment, keeping that memory as well). Then insane Carney rides and fireworks, do you remember? My favorite was that rain storm that lost its way and happened upon us, so beautiful. I'd often fiddle the folk songs I've learned. I'd include you in the philosophy constantly playing on the stage in the dark areas of my mind, letting you play whatever role you wished. Writing the script of my heart for the moment. And more, not to mention many intense 'perfect' moments ;). All these in addition to the Love I showed you already....do...you..remember? (Memory deleted).
My 2nd discovery was all this, the man you wanted me to be. I am him, I am. The last day you saw me, all I wanted to do was grab you, hold your face gently, look into your eyes and tell you, " I Love you, desperately. And I am saying goodbye." I didn't respond to your near final text to me, " I'm not being facetious when I say my heart is on the floor.." (Our floor). I remained silent, knowing I wanted to hold you and tell you its always where my heart was, even then. I knew as well I was experiencing this 2nd discovery. And it sad to me that I didn't speak up. But its also sad to me that you didn't, and maybe now knowing what its taken me months to put together, might not have waited.
Truth be told, you questioned where all the money was going..it was going to our venue. Over halfway paid to a Victorian school house...it was going to your dream, for the moment. A dream I DID share and DID intend to make happen, just needed more time (I tried to explain). You argued the point and didn't believe me, do you remember? I didn't know the final three weeks of our relationship were already decided. You decided this :(. I must conclude and leave you to your thoughts. Know as well, I don't mean this as a reconnection with you :/. You and I know it's probably safer this way. Better for you and you do have my ring. As long as its yours, I hold to my promise. If you showed up weeping, I don't know if I could open the door. Not for hurts sake, but for yours, I Loved you too much. You are the only one that ever broke my heart, something I never thought was possible. Nonetheless, here we are. What are you gonna do..haha! Cheers, former Lover :). You are Loved and missed.
-PC-
There is a movie on right now that you would..we would Love. I spend time doing all the things I should have been doing more of around you. All the 'magic' you once asked me if you had damaged along the way. Wondering with tears and great emotion where the man you fell in Love with had gone. And if it was you that killed him. I remember what I said (memory deleted). Where was I? Oh, yes. For now, I read in your reading spot so it gets used. The living room looks and feels different. That week you left it stayed in comfortable disarray. You would've called it the living space of a genius, of which I know I'm not :). The beautiful men read on weekend mornings on the patio with me. Jake is beginning to sound out simple words, its terribly cute. They get better and more imaginative with every week that passes so much that they are beginning to form their own 'Farafel' stories, SO interesting. Just last week they asked when you and their sister were coming back..sadly I had to tell them a simple and non abrasive form of the truth. (My memory degrades. It's personal and I don't want to let go, due to this present lack of pain. This anesthetic due to someone unexpected making me believe again). My music, OH my music, it feeds me so. The subtle whining of Colin Meloy driving that engine. My heart telling my head mischief and stoicism. Singing the helpless blues and listening to Cath while thinking about you. Shear Water is a new favorite. So delicately horrific.
The Knight of this realm said something terribly sad today. " Dadda? Do you think she got angry because I wouldn't call her mom until you got married? Do you think she would come back if I told her I will call her mom already?" I didn't even know where to begin, so I hugged him and kissed him twice, once for you. I told him you love him and would always.
I had someone over. Watched her sleep briefly to see how it made me feel. I touched her face with the same heat I did you...do you remember? It was to invoke emotion, connection. Her sleeping smiley face and morning sleepy voice were nowhere near as sweet as the taste of your fingers on my lips, pictures of me sleeping sitting up, your tearful prayers over my soul years ago (do you remember?). I never told you, you woke me up with your whispers and I heard you...I should've made you completely mine then.
I just took a trip downstairs and grabbed your set of car keys from that skinny left side drawer where we kept the knives. I held them for a while and breathed on them, pretending the heat was from your hands holding them. I needed my colored pencils from the car...I never finished the Spider man (memory deleted).
I often just talk to you. Act normally how I would if you were around and I wanted you to notice I was being weird so we could pass the empty moments laughing (memories deleted).
Oh, yes, poke salad :). I haven't been back since the time we danced in the neighbors space, our 'first dance'. At least we had one :). (I'm keeping that memory).
-You need to know, I'm doing this because I need to. And you didn't believe me when I said, " I need you."
You ran to him so quickly, so desperately. Like you did to me that day we danced and I couldn't hear you. I'm so sorry but my machine shop ears I made you run so far :/. I carried you ALL the way back to your car, do you remember? It was almost as if you had forgotten that moment. Your memories being blanked as simple as he writes love notes in binary, just wonderful (for reals..really, really). And I'm certain its grown from there. You should know I never purposed to break you two up. He came to me for strength in getting away from you and to confirm the exacting experience between us, your two greatest loves. I don't believe I was a love of yours at all, anymore. I simply lost, the whole time :/. You entwined into him the same as you did Matt before I knew you were finished with me. Different circumstances, same situation. I'm glad though, that I was able to help until your mother came back into your life again :), I mean that. I love helping people, you know.
Hey, my movie library has grown :). New titles from Focus Pictures and other independents. All ones you'd enjoy, I do enjoy. I often pretend you're in your parking space and we're giggling, crying, seriously contemplating the meaning of them. The color, themes, all that. (This feels kinda nice, please miss me 'deletor'). I listen to them right now and often while reading the meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Silence is the only thing that makes me afraid now. Making me retreat under that blanket cave with you, do you remember (heehee)? So implicit (memory deleted).
Last night, I spent the night high with no substance involved. It happens more often than ever. Seems I've uncovered the secret, again. (I know right now what you're thinking. You've never 'heard' me like this. You told me, " Be direct! Don't be poetic all the time!" Seems something else has been uncovered). I hadn't you to call to spit out the thoughts to be captured by someone whom had the 'right mitt'. The things my pen couldn't keep up with..my handwriting was atrocious (remember? :)). The previous 3 days I spent weeping alone, realizing something that cannot be helped. I left the ice cream out for those days, Rocky Road (a new one).
The bowls of soup we used to give have grown into homeless relocation and rehabilitation, soon to be sanctioned by a mega church operated by my friend Tim Tayshum's mother and father in LA, and two men in San Diego. Whom have claimed to be, "...re-inspired by your passion, young man." Brian Maienshein and Philip Landis, taking a chance on a simple 'do-gooder'. I'm so thankful. Sadly..Robert (Davey, our 1st real contact) was taken by cancer. To my great dismay, before I was able to bring him home with me to die inside and around family. I mourned him for a month. I miss him so much.
As I'm typing this, I realize its long and might be paining you somewhat. I'll do my best to conclude, like a preacher, haha! All this, 'paragraphing' in chronicles, began the week you left. I changed, no...I was 'undug' " from what was covering the better part of me". The only catalyst being you. No doubt you are hearing my annoyingly passive voice reading this to you ;). The point always was the look in my eye..I Loved you. You are the only girl I've ever truly Loved, no lie. And I am the man you fell in Love with, and the man you so desired me to be. Reading and meeting you needs by nature. And I'd say this (for my consideration of you, I'll say you might want to skip ahead), when we married I would've not gone a day without gently touching your face in the mornings. As I felt you, I'd read and quote brief captions of Hemmingway. Aldous' " Death of Youth.." (particularly 'In the Little Room') and the landscape he describes in 'Mountains', as we've BEEN there a couple times now. Sharing Cherry Wheat and naked hikes through sharp rock. That naked hike was...fun ( ;), a lip biting moment, keeping that memory as well). Then insane Carney rides and fireworks, do you remember? My favorite was that rain storm that lost its way and happened upon us, so beautiful. I'd often fiddle the folk songs I've learned. I'd include you in the philosophy constantly playing on the stage in the dark areas of my mind, letting you play whatever role you wished. Writing the script of my heart for the moment. And more, not to mention many intense 'perfect' moments ;). All these in addition to the Love I showed you already....do...you..remember? (Memory deleted).
My 2nd discovery was all this, the man you wanted me to be. I am him, I am. The last day you saw me, all I wanted to do was grab you, hold your face gently, look into your eyes and tell you, " I Love you, desperately. And I am saying goodbye." I didn't respond to your near final text to me, " I'm not being facetious when I say my heart is on the floor.." (Our floor). I remained silent, knowing I wanted to hold you and tell you its always where my heart was, even then. I knew as well I was experiencing this 2nd discovery. And it sad to me that I didn't speak up. But its also sad to me that you didn't, and maybe now knowing what its taken me months to put together, might not have waited.
Truth be told, you questioned where all the money was going..it was going to our venue. Over halfway paid to a Victorian school house...it was going to your dream, for the moment. A dream I DID share and DID intend to make happen, just needed more time (I tried to explain). You argued the point and didn't believe me, do you remember? I didn't know the final three weeks of our relationship were already decided. You decided this :(. I must conclude and leave you to your thoughts. Know as well, I don't mean this as a reconnection with you :/. You and I know it's probably safer this way. Better for you and you do have my ring. As long as its yours, I hold to my promise. If you showed up weeping, I don't know if I could open the door. Not for hurts sake, but for yours, I Loved you too much. You are the only one that ever broke my heart, something I never thought was possible. Nonetheless, here we are. What are you gonna do..haha! Cheers, former Lover :). You are Loved and missed.
-PC-
